Who can I talk to because I'm really thinking about killing myself?

I know this sounds like... I don't even know what it sounds like. But I don't know any way to say it other than just saying it right out. I need someone to talk to. I found this suicide hotline, but I can't make phone calls, and if my mom hears me I'm scared of what will happen. I don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone I know because they will just judge me and give me the "life is beautiful, I love you, don't think like that." crap. I want someone to help me, not tell me not to do anything. I've cut myself for the past 4 years, and now looking at the scars makes me want to scream. I feel like by doing that I'm failing my parents, even though they fail me all the time. I don't know, I just need to talk to someone. I want help, on the outside I have a pretty good life, but on the inside everything is all wrong and I want to fix it. I just don't know how. I want help but I don't know what to do.